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ESCAPE
FROM VIETNAM Page 5 After
about two hours of waiting, we were allowed inside the gate to visit my father.
The meeting place was a small straw hut, furnished with only a bamboo
table and two wooden benches. Two
soldiers, with their guns at the ready, stood guard at the front and back of the
hut. 10 minutes after we went in,
my father came to the hut. tried hard to hold back my tear.
It was the first time I had seen my father in 3 years (Little did I know
at the time that it would also be the last time I saw him.) The hard labor,
continuous mental torture, and the lack of foods had made him lose considerable
weights. While my mother did not
weep aloud, tears silently streamed down her face.
Though his face was pale and his frame had thinned considerably, I could
still see the defiance in his eyes. He
smiled weakly and tried to calm my mother down.
We talked in very low voice to keep the guards from overhearing our
conversation. He asked me how I did
in school and how all my brothers are doing.
He also told me to work hard to help my mothers taking care of my younger
brothers. He also asked my mom if
all the arrangements were ready. I
didn't understand what my dad was talking about until a few minutes later.
In reply, my mother said that she has made the necessary arrangements for
me to go to North Vietnam and visit my grandfather.
Suddenly, I realized what my parents were talking about.
My grandfather had died many years ago.
While my father still had brothers and sisters living in North Vietnam,
he had lost contact with them since Vietnam was divided into North and South
Vietnam in 1954. In addition, my
mother had never told me about this trip to North Vietnam. Also, I had heard of the expression "going to North
Vietnam" before. It mean
"escape from Vietnam" (In South Vietnam, people came up with many
phrases that had their intended meanings very different from the literal
meanings. They used these
expression to avoid the surveillance of the government security apparatus.) Now,
everything became very clear to me. My
mother had somehow arranged for me to escape from Vietnam.
I don't know when, where and how I would escape yet.
My mother had brought me along to visit my father this time because both
she and my father realized that this might be the last time they ever see me. Looking
at the expression on my face, my father knew that I had understood.
In a very low voice, he told me: "I'm sure that you understand what
we planned for you. Soon, you will have to embark on a dangerous journey with an
uncertain destination, alone. We
won't be there to take care of and protect you.
You will have to face all the dangers, challenges, and hardships alone.
Be brave and strong. From
now on, you'll have to learn how to be a man.
If you survive, don't ever forget your responsibility to your family,
relatives and this country. Don't
forget all the sacrifices that mom had made for you all these years.
I just prayed that Buddha will protect you.
May Buddha protect all of us." While
my father spoke, I silently nodded my head to let him know that I understood.
While I appeared calm and controlled on the outside (After years of
living with the Communist, I had learn how to control my emotions rather well),
I was utterly confused and afraid inside. I
had seen people died from escaping. I
had also heard many other people talked about the chances of survival at sea in
one of these boats. The most
optimistic estimate for the chance of survival at sea is fifty- fifty.
Even if the boat don't founder at sea, the escapees still have the risk
of running into the Thai pirates in the Gulf of Siam. I had heard of many stories of the killings, plundering, and
raping committed by these Thai fishermen turned pirates against defenseless
refugees at sea. On the other hand,
if I survive and reach a country of asylum safely, then what would happen to my
family? Would my mother get into trouble with the local authority if they find
out that I had escaped? Who would help my mom take care of my brothers and earn
additional income if I am gone? Would I ever get to see my father, mother, and
brothers again? What would happen to me in a strange land, among strange people
whose language I don't speak? The
uncertainties, the inherent dangers, and the thought of losing my family forever
were all swirling in my head. Despite
all of these, I knew that I had no choice but to escape.
It was not cheap to get a spot on one of these escaping boats.
I had heard my mother mentioned several times how much boat owners were
demanding from people who want to escape on their boats.
The average price per person was around five or six taels of gold ( I
guess at that time it was the equivalence of about three or four thousand
dollars.) I didn't know how my mom managed to pay for me.
I estimated that her lifetime saving would not be worth more
than two taels of gold. Did
my mother use all her money to, pay
for me? Every time I thought of it,
I found it hard to hold back my tears. My
mother had sacrificed her entire life for the family.
All these years, she had worked so hard just to keep us fed and support
my father in jail. In the three
years since 1975, 1 haven't seen her smile, eat
anything good, buy anything for herself, nor even have a good night
sleep. Since the beginning of this
year, she kept having nightmares that I or one of my brothers would get killed
on the battlefield of Kampuchea. She
also was constantly worried about my father's fate.
On top of all of these, she faced the constant harassment of the local
authority, and the task of evading the hated security agents at the market
daily. Now, she used almost all of
her saving to get me out of Vietnam, so that I could live and have a better
life. Her love and sacrifices for
all of us were unbounded. The
strength and will power that kept her going were incomprehensible to me.
For all that she had done for me, I could not let my mother down.
Even if I had to go into what appeared to be certain death, I still could
not refuse. If I stayed, I might be
able to help her somewhat, but I would also be a big burden for her, both
emotionally and financially. Besides,
I could not bear the thought of doing anything that might make my mother
unhappy. She had suffered more than
enough. If there was anything that
I could do just to bring a smile to her face, I would have done it. I was never able to do so.
Now, I could not refuse to escape and make her feel worse. The
camp guards limited our visit to thirty minutes. I didn't remember very much of what my father was telling me.
I recalled faintly that he said he was doing fine despite the hardships
in the camp. He told me to keep working and studying hard, not to give up
hope no matter what the odds might be. He
also was worried that since I was so young and inexperienced, I might run into
trouble or be abused by other once my mother was not around to protect me. Our
conversation was interrupted by one of the soldiers, who came in to tell us that
our time is up. It was hard for all
of us to separate. Both my father
and I realized that it might be the last time we ever see each other.
Yet, there were nothing we could do about it.
From now on, everything was up to God. My father stood at the hut and watched us depart. Even after we had exited from the gate and was a long way from the camp, he was still standing there. I kept looking back, trying to photograph his image into my memory. After the visit, my mother gradually told me the necessary details about the planned escape. She made me memorized all the addresses of my relatives who were already living in Western countries. She also made me study and memorize a Buddhist chant that was supposed to bring us Buddha's protection. She told me that whenever I run into dangers or desperate situation, I should pray for and have faith in Buddha's protection. It was the only shred of hope that we had. A month later, on the birthday of Ho Chi Minh, the founder of the Vietnamese Communist Party, I went on the boat to begin my perilous escape from Vietnam. |